Things on my mind right now
- I’ve been personally questioning God “why” a whole lot these days and for some reason a lot of people around me have been asking Him this question too. One thing that really encouraged me was when I read something that said, “change that why? to what can you do to glorify God with that.” Satan’s tricky. I hate how he constantly picks at your scars and weaknesses to knock you down. But I also heard that the reason why you struggle and the reason why satan’s attacking you is because he’s nervous and antsy because He sees God’s work upon your life. Back then I always asked God why He had to give me such crappy (a) life/parents. Why my sister and I were 4 years apart so when she left for college, I was left alone in the dark. Why I’m so weak with emotions. Some of these questions, I still don’t know the answer to. But what I do know is instead of standing here being knocked down and used by Satan, I’d rather shared MY story with others so that if I could, I could encourage them in any way I could. No one in this world understands me. The pain/hurt/scars/horrendous memories I had growing up. No one. Not a single person knows everything about me on this world but for some odd reason, that made me that much closer to God. Because He ultimately is the only one that knows me. People on this earth can only satisfy you so much. There’s a limit. Let’s just win this battle on earth for this spot in heaven and wait till we’re truly happy and reunited with Him.
- I’ve been complaining and whining about work for the past 2 weeks and I literally felt myself more and more callous and heartless. I caught myself cursing a couple of times (old habits coming out) and evil intentions/thoughts were going through my head. I caught myself and got scared. This is a little awkward but I had to immediately go to the bathroom while working to pray on a toilet seat…….haha.. no but seriously, how much control Satan has over your weakness is really scary. After praying, things got brighter. It really did. Just knowing I was working with God next to me was uplifting and felt less vulnerable to sin.
- I have no idea why but my hearts been breaking for random….people.. Whether it be while I’m reading tumblr posts or even someone close to me like my mom. I fought with her for the past week because she’s never going to be that caring, genuine, understanding mother. She’s with all honestly the definition of selfish. She’s too self absorbed. She doesn’t realize why people react to her the way they do. She says mean/obnoxious things you normally wouldn’t say and she knows it was attacking but when people defend themselves, she gets pissed. She tells you she’s tired so to just ride the bus home, and then when she realizes she needs your money she calls you back to pick you up like nothing happened. She blames people for everything. When you’re hurting whether it be physically or emotionally, she doesn’t try to understand you but gets angry at you and basically tries her hardest you prove you wrong to say it’s your fault and you’re just retarded. I always say this but there’s just sometimes when I listen to her talking, I get this rush of emotions where I literally hear/feel how lonely she is. She never shows it. She never shows how hurt SHE is or why she’s so bitter and angry. She covers it and then covers over that. Routinely over and over again. So eventually you get so far and lost in knowing who she is and in trying to find out where she’s coming from. She said one thing in the car today that kind of semi made me sad. My dad and little sister went on an expensive cruise around the US because my stepdad’s mom, so Subin’s grandma, wanted to give a “small” gift to them. Today on our way back from work, my mom kind of got vulnerable (this is being very vulnerable for her) and said “they could have asked me.. I couldn’t have gone anyways.. but they could have just asked. My mom never got approval from Subin’s grandma. She didn’t like my mom because she was married once before and had two kids. My dad still married her anyways and had Subin but yeah.. she obviously still doesn’t like her. Then I got a text from my dad about a BBQ he wanted to have before he permanently leaves NJ and when I read that.. I instantly for some reason wanted to hide that I was having a BBQ with my dad. She feels she belongs no where and what ends up happening is that she’s always all alone. Part of the reason being the person she is, no one really enjoys being next to her. But there has to be a reason why she’s so bitter and angry. She has to have her own story.. there’s gotta be. I don’t know.. It’s really hard to understand her but… sometimes just sometimes.. she literally breaks my heart and I sometimes just want to hug her and cry.
…please stop this anger/bitterness. Life’s too short. I want to seriously love you and show affection before the end. Talk to me. I may not inform you on much about God, but I can surely hold your hand and help you find your way to God. Why are you doing this to yourself… Look how lonely you are… stop.. it hurts even me to see you like this.. how much pain do you think God is, watching you from up there?
